Abuse, so called

These two articles are not too recent, but somehow I missed them the first time around. They directly relate to my situation, and the situations of many men I know.

I used to believe all tales of "abuse" by walk away wives. Now that I've been accused 0f "psychological abuse" by my ex, I don't so much anymore. I don't bring this up much, because people refuse to believe that any accusation of abuse could be false.

Well, it's not so much "false" as "the definition stinks." According to the Federal government, abuse consists of such things as "getting annoyed if the victim disagrees" and"disregarding what the victim wants.” Based on those definitions, my spouse abused me - but the way our courts are run, it's always assumed that men are the de facto abusers - and my ex realized accusing me of abuse meant she could likely get more out of me - and since we didn't always agree on everything, hey - my behavior was abusive.

The real problem is that divorce so distorts the memories of those involved, every disagreement becomes an argument, and every argument becomes a fight, and every fight becomes an abusive incident. Pretty soon, there are nothing but abusive incidents in the mind of the spouse that has to mentally justify her decision to divorce.

Commentary on the Federal government guidelines here and here.

There are too many divorced men out there being treated as abusive deadbeats merely because they didn't agree with their wives on every issue. Too many divorces seem to be more about the wife finally "winning" every argument then they are about following the Lord's will.

The sad lack of charity

I've noticed, in my internet readings, that a lot of ex-wives want their exes to suffer. "If he doesn't suffer, it will mean this whole divorce meant nothing" seems to be a common thread. In nearly all these cases, it seems the women were the ones who did the leaving.

That seems to me a very unChrist-like attitude. I know I do not want my ex to suffer, but she does want me to suffer. In fact, she's complained that I'm not suffering enough. This inidcates to me that the divorces aren't really about doing what's best for the kids, and are instead merely petty attempts at revenge for perceived slights.

While I am far from blameless, perhaps if my ex had actually tried talking to me, rather than calling up her parents to complain about my behavior, we might have saved the marriage. Instead, we have me barely staying ahead of bankruptcy, and her essentially praying that I suffer because of choices she made.

It's a lack of charity and an ability to forgive. I am working on forgiving my ex. I think I'm starting to see things from her point of view, at least a little bit. However, I have no desire for her to suffer, no matter how ill-advised and stupid I think her decision to divorce me was. What I really don't understand, though, is this desire from ex-wives to see their husbands punished horribly. Judgment is up to God, not us mere mortals who all make mistakes.

The oddest thing about being single again

is that whenever I go on a date or go to a dance or "midsingles" activity, I have this vague feeling I'm cheating on my "wife."

Yeah, pretty much

This article resembles what happened to me. My ex spent the last year of our marriage complaining nearly everyday on the phone to her mother about whatever I had done wrong. In the linked story (HT: Instapundit), however, the lady's mother helped her realize what she was doing wrong. In my case, the mother encouraged the behavior, because my ex's mother had been trying to get her to leave me for over a decade.

I should have thought it a little odd when her mother started calling more frequently, but I didn't. And my ex even dropped hints ("my mother was trying to dig for dirt on you today") what was really going on, but I was a little too focused on getting my dissertation finished and jobs applied for (I applied to nearly 100 jobs the semester I graduated and got none) and figured it didn't matter, since I would soon have a job.

Then, I didn't get a job, and that's also a marriage killer (as I discussed in a previous post). I've also read that the more divorced people you know, the more likely you are to get divorced. And about tw0-thirds of her cousins are divorced. At least now she can fit in at their family reunions and have a lame-0 ex-husband to complain about, since to my recollection, that's what most of their family get-togethers consisted of - bashing the ex-spouses and sympathy for the family member who is clearly an innocent done wrong (even the cousin that decided he was gay - it's the fault of his shrewish ex for not being a good enough wife or something).

I made it a point never to complain about my wife to anyone, not even my parents. She had no such compunction, and now I know her mother was keeping a record of everything I ever did wrong in 11 years of marriage. And when I didn't get a job, well that was further proof of what a loser I was.

In my more cynical moments,

I sometimes think this is how the world works (at least in the developed Western world). Even in the church, this attitude is all too prevalent. (If the link doesn't go to the specific comment, it's the one by "Trust" at 11:07 a.m.)

The main thing I worry about

is my kids. A friend of mine comes from a divorced family. Nearly all his brothers and sisters are inactive and most are outright hostile to the church. He has one sister that's active, and my friend goes back and forth from atheist to active. They almost all blame the church for his parents divorce - she was counseled by her bishop to divorce her husband because she caught him reading a certain type of magazine (trying to avoid spam bots here). His mother now says divorce was the biggest mistake she ever made. One thing his mom said to me the other day chilled me to the bone: "The parents eventually move on, but the kids never do."

Some advice

for those going through or about to go through divorce (or even if you think you never will, you might want to keep this in mind).

This is going to sound awful and unchristlike, but once your wife declares she is going to divorce you, it's in almost all likelihood too late. So - here's the advice, something I've learned from hard experience:

Once she is divorcing you - don't apologize for anything. All it can do is hurt you. Two things happen: 1.) Your apologies just remind her of the terrible things you did to cause her to want a divorce in the first place. 2). It will be used against you court. I was surprised to find e-mails with my sincere apologies used as evidence that I was evil. "He even admits he has these problems" as the lawyer said.

Apologies need to come before she declares divorce. Unfortunately, since studies show somewhere north of three-fourths of left behind husbands have no clue their wife is unhappy, that's hard.

So, guys - just be careful. And make sure you really are sure where your marriage stands. Make the apologies when they can save your marriage.