Monday, May 10, 2010

Our rhetoric in church

Far be it from me to second guess our church leaders, but there's one reason I see (among the many, many reasons) for my wife's decision I wasn't worth anything except as a source of funds.

Our Mother's Day at church was filled with many talks praising women. Phrases I heard more than once (from both men and women - in sacrament meeting, Sunday school, and priesthood):
1. "Women have a special spiritual sensitivity that men lack"
2. "Women are inherently more righteous than men are"
3. "Women are more important than men in the eternal scheme of things"
4. "Men need to follow their wives more and listen to them and do what they say."
5. "Really, when it comes down to it, women are necessary in every aspect of life."

Isolated, none of these is terrible (though the first three smack of pandering), but all together - is it any wonder some women decide they don't need their husbands, and it's okay to just walk away? Coupled with a broken family law system that favors the female and turns the father into either an absentee money man (after all, fathers are supposed to provide for their families) or a deadbeat dad (due to, as my lawyer said, "the state doesn't care if you go bankrupt or starve to death, as long as you pay the child support and alimony"), we do not have a culture that encourages families to tough it out during tough times.

As I said in previous posts, it actually makes sense for my wife to walk away. The state ensures she has income for life, regardless of what I say or do or make, she no longer has to work on maintaining a relationship with me (maintaining relationships are hard work), and the church leaders and culture tells her that no matter what, she's inherently more righteous than her loser male of a husband.


  1. Please don't beat yourself up!! Fathers are very important!! Personally, I cringe at all the fluff associated with Mother's Day at Church.

  2. Thank you. I realize that I'm necessary, but my ex-wife keeps insisting I'm not. My kids keep saying they want me around, but she insists they're better off without me.

    The only thing she thinks I'm good for is to send her money every month - and of course, the court didn't order me to pay her enough, so she's always using the "the father should provide for the family" line to try and get me to give her more money (never mind she and they are living rent free in her parent's house).

    She constantly blocks my attempts to be with the kids, and all the court can do is say "you really shouldn't do that" - but there's no actual punishment for her. If I mess up (or she claims I messed up - the court takes her word for it), I usually have to pay out some more money or something, though.

    Anyway, her stance is that I'm only necessary as a money source, and she has lots of church leader quotes to back that up, along with plenty of quotes about how spiritually inferior we men are.

    But thanks for the sentiment.

  3. All of those things are just as bad as men using their priesthood to subjugate women. So, don't beat yourself up!! Sure what you're going thru is hard, but you keep trying, it does matter to your kids, and in the end things will be right -- it might take years, but call on heaven for comfort and strength as well. The best thing you can do is try to ignore the things your exwife says. It sounds like she's trying to pick a fight or vie for more attention. If she doesn't get it, then you win.