Monday, September 20, 2010

Abuse, so called

These two articles are not too recent, but somehow I missed them the first time around. They directly relate to my situation, and the situations of many men I know.

I used to believe all tales of "abuse" by walk away wives. Now that I've been accused 0f "psychological abuse" by my ex, I don't so much anymore. I don't bring this up much, because people refuse to believe that any accusation of abuse could be false.

Well, it's not so much "false" as "the definition stinks." According to the Federal government, abuse consists of such things as "getting annoyed if the victim disagrees" and"disregarding what the victim wants.” Based on those definitions, my spouse abused me - but the way our courts are run, it's always assumed that men are the de facto abusers - and my ex realized accusing me of abuse meant she could likely get more out of me - and since we didn't always agree on everything, hey - my behavior was abusive.

The real problem is that divorce so distorts the memories of those involved, every disagreement becomes an argument, and every argument becomes a fight, and every fight becomes an abusive incident. Pretty soon, there are nothing but abusive incidents in the mind of the spouse that has to mentally justify her decision to divorce.

Commentary on the Federal government guidelines here and here.

There are too many divorced men out there being treated as abusive deadbeats merely because they didn't agree with their wives on every issue. Too many divorces seem to be more about the wife finally "winning" every argument then they are about following the Lord's will.

The sad lack of charity

I've noticed, in my internet readings, that a lot of ex-wives want their exes to suffer. "If he doesn't suffer, it will mean this whole divorce meant nothing" seems to be a common thread. In nearly all these cases, it seems the women were the ones who did the leaving.

That seems to me a very unChrist-like attitude. I know I do not want my ex to suffer, but she does want me to suffer. In fact, she's complained that I'm not suffering enough. This inidcates to me that the divorces aren't really about doing what's best for the kids, and are instead merely petty attempts at revenge for perceived slights.

While I am far from blameless, perhaps if my ex had actually tried talking to me, rather than calling up her parents to complain about my behavior, we might have saved the marriage. Instead, we have me barely staying ahead of bankruptcy, and her essentially praying that I suffer because of choices she made.

It's a lack of charity and an ability to forgive. I am working on forgiving my ex. I think I'm starting to see things from her point of view, at least a little bit. However, I have no desire for her to suffer, no matter how ill-advised and stupid I think her decision to divorce me was. What I really don't understand, though, is this desire from ex-wives to see their husbands punished horribly. Judgment is up to God, not us mere mortals who all make mistakes.